Howl and Grrroooowll -- Two of the newest American Gladiators on NBC's revival. Wolf (left) and Crush (right) Photos from www.nbc.com
Tonight marked a very special occasion for people, such as myself, who are still feeling nostalgic for decades old television shows. That's right, it was episode one (and two) of the all new American Gladiators series!
Though it had a complete lack of Larry Zonka, it boasted a bevy of new muscle-bound, spandex-clad, bulging and bronzed freaks of nature...and besides Laila Ali and Hulk Hogan there was also some pretty muscular Gladiators too. ((Oh, I don't feel good about that one...Ok, maybe I do.))
So, anyway, as an avid fan, and imaginary contestant, of the old-school show. Let me break down the new series for those of you who may have missed it:
Announcers/Personalities: B+
Hulk Hogan still has everything that made him so huge in the WWF, WCW and again in the WWE. He's charismatic, charming, energetic and bigger than life itself. However, he is foiled by the dreadful Laila Ali, who trips over her words more often than Brittney hits rock bottom. The stammering pugilist is enough to tune-out (if not mentally than literally changing the channel) between the events, maybe squeezing the show into a picture in picture box to catch up on some Desperate Housewives. (NOTE: The show won't be on again on Sundays but I really am not certain what the big Monday night show is besides football...sorry? No.)
Though he isn't featured, Al Kaplon (the tournament Referee from DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story) is the referee. One of the highlights of the evening was him telling off one of the contestants, telling the overconfident and over-the-hill d-bag to stop "giving him the business!"
Gladiators: A-
The men are huge, muscle-bound, crazy and unintelligent while the women are...well...the women are huge, muscle-bound, crazy and unintelligent. This is not to mention that they were kind of a let down in each of the first two shows. I remember watching Nitro, Turbo and Gemini blank competitors in every competition, putting up goose eggs like they were Martin Brodeur. One could make the argument that the contestants are better, and maybe this is true, but still, I want more bang for my Gladiator buck.
There are some Diamonds in the rough (pardon the pun, but for those of you who got that it was a pun, KUDOS!) Wolf, Mayhem and Toa seem to have taken the lead for the men, the first is a dude who's name deserved, while the other two are just mean mama-jammers with urban and native American flavors.
On the women's side there is the appealing Crush (another great name) and the opposing Siren. However, the women have one horribly named and overly gimmicked Gladiator. That is Helga. A larger than life, Sweedish featured blond girl with braided pig tails. Stereotypical? Yes. Original? No. Hilarious? .....yeah!
Contestants: C+
Wow...my sympathy bone hurts because NBC and their cast of wannabes have picked at it all night long. "Oh this is for my babies," "I've been waiting so long to get on this show," "My husband and I got a divorce," WAH WAH WAH! I don't want to hear their life stories! (And I'm not saying that just to be cute and turn a phrase...I really don't care about their lives) The original show would interview one of the contestants after each event, a quick, short, sweet and to the point question, followed by an out-of-breath response. It was simple and was not annoying.
Now, their personalities aside, some of these newbies are tough S.O.B.s. Though it seems like NBC sought out every fire fighter, health nut and ex-marine to bolster their ratings, these new glory seekers are fast, strong and agile. This should be a good season of highly competitive games.
Old Games: A-
Tonight we got to see the Wall, Assault, The Pyramid, Joust, Hang Tough, the Gauntlet and Power Ball, and they haven't aged a bit. There are a couple new twists on the games, like in the assault contestants have to dive into a sandbox to dig out an arrow (a la Double Dare) to fire in the cross bow at the next station. It's interesting but its not the classic games. It'll take some getting used to but these old gems will sparkle brighter than their new bastard siblings.
Not all that glitters is gold however, as Power Ball needs some major re-tooling. The contestants were able to throw the balls into the cylinders from very far away, negating any of the physical ability to the game. The openings to the scoring zones are way too big and the balls (all the contestants, including the women, were able to palm the ball with ease) were way too small. There is no way that the first four contestants should have combined for 18 points in that event.
New Games: D
There's only two new games in the series and they are both lackluster. First off is the devastatingly boring Earthquake. Think the later half of Breakthrough and Conquer with the added 'twist' of a platform that tips to no more than a 12 degree incline making it slightly harder for the puny contestants to stay on.
Then there is the glorified MXC event, Hit And Run. Contestants do their best B-Movie action star impressions as they run across a plastic bridge while attempting to not get hit by giant silver tear drops of pain. Until we see someone wailed in the face with 20 pounds of padding, it won't be fun to watch.
The Eliminator: C+
They should have called it the Exhauster. This thing is horribly long and tediously boring. First the contestants must scale a wall, then dive into a pool and swim under some fire (this is one of the most exciting parts as one contestant already split open her face, hitting one of the bars that suspends the fire head first...and I'm sure some contestant will pull up to fast to a face full of flame). Then they must climb up a dreaded cargo net, hold on to a giant spool while it rolls down a ramp (again, borrowed from MXC and injected with steroids), traverse the hand bike then run up the pyramid, down the zip line (still fun to watch after all these years), and then up the treadmill and bust through a wall to the finish line, and yes, its as long and drawn out as I made it sound.
Though it is a better equalizer than the last couple of incarnations, it is lacking in one thing...GLADIATORS!!! Where are the walls that the contestants have to break through only to find a face-full of the AG logo on a tackling pad? There are no 10 second penalties or any penalties at all. It's contestant vs. contestant with no interference from their fiendish foes...and who wants to see that?
Overall: B-
It's watchable. It's entertaining. It's not the original...and that's O.K.
If you like trainwreck TV, and are bummed about no new episodes of anything because of the writers strike, its worth watching. At least you'll get to see some people hit in the face.
Though it had a complete lack of Larry Zonka, it boasted a bevy of new muscle-bound, spandex-clad, bulging and bronzed freaks of nature...and besides Laila Ali and Hulk Hogan there was also some pretty muscular Gladiators too. ((Oh, I don't feel good about that one...Ok, maybe I do.))
So, anyway, as an avid fan, and imaginary contestant, of the old-school show. Let me break down the new series for those of you who may have missed it:
Announcers/Personalities: B+
Hulk Hogan still has everything that made him so huge in the WWF, WCW and again in the WWE. He's charismatic, charming, energetic and bigger than life itself. However, he is foiled by the dreadful Laila Ali, who trips over her words more often than Brittney hits rock bottom. The stammering pugilist is enough to tune-out (if not mentally than literally changing the channel) between the events, maybe squeezing the show into a picture in picture box to catch up on some Desperate Housewives. (NOTE: The show won't be on again on Sundays but I really am not certain what the big Monday night show is besides football...sorry? No.)
Though he isn't featured, Al Kaplon (the tournament Referee from DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story) is the referee. One of the highlights of the evening was him telling off one of the contestants, telling the overconfident and over-the-hill d-bag to stop "giving him the business!"
Gladiators: A-
The men are huge, muscle-bound, crazy and unintelligent while the women are...well...the women are huge, muscle-bound, crazy and unintelligent. This is not to mention that they were kind of a let down in each of the first two shows. I remember watching Nitro, Turbo and Gemini blank competitors in every competition, putting up goose eggs like they were Martin Brodeur. One could make the argument that the contestants are better, and maybe this is true, but still, I want more bang for my Gladiator buck.
There are some Diamonds in the rough (pardon the pun, but for those of you who got that it was a pun, KUDOS!) Wolf, Mayhem and Toa seem to have taken the lead for the men, the first is a dude who's name deserved, while the other two are just mean mama-jammers with urban and native American flavors.
On the women's side there is the appealing Crush (another great name) and the opposing Siren. However, the women have one horribly named and overly gimmicked Gladiator. That is Helga. A larger than life, Sweedish featured blond girl with braided pig tails. Stereotypical? Yes. Original? No. Hilarious? .....yeah!
Contestants: C+
Wow...my sympathy bone hurts because NBC and their cast of wannabes have picked at it all night long. "Oh this is for my babies," "I've been waiting so long to get on this show," "My husband and I got a divorce," WAH WAH WAH! I don't want to hear their life stories! (And I'm not saying that just to be cute and turn a phrase...I really don't care about their lives) The original show would interview one of the contestants after each event, a quick, short, sweet and to the point question, followed by an out-of-breath response. It was simple and was not annoying.
Now, their personalities aside, some of these newbies are tough S.O.B.s. Though it seems like NBC sought out every fire fighter, health nut and ex-marine to bolster their ratings, these new glory seekers are fast, strong and agile. This should be a good season of highly competitive games.
Old Games: A-
Tonight we got to see the Wall, Assault, The Pyramid, Joust, Hang Tough, the Gauntlet and Power Ball, and they haven't aged a bit. There are a couple new twists on the games, like in the assault contestants have to dive into a sandbox to dig out an arrow (a la Double Dare) to fire in the cross bow at the next station. It's interesting but its not the classic games. It'll take some getting used to but these old gems will sparkle brighter than their new bastard siblings.
Not all that glitters is gold however, as Power Ball needs some major re-tooling. The contestants were able to throw the balls into the cylinders from very far away, negating any of the physical ability to the game. The openings to the scoring zones are way too big and the balls (all the contestants, including the women, were able to palm the ball with ease) were way too small. There is no way that the first four contestants should have combined for 18 points in that event.
New Games: D
There's only two new games in the series and they are both lackluster. First off is the devastatingly boring Earthquake. Think the later half of Breakthrough and Conquer with the added 'twist' of a platform that tips to no more than a 12 degree incline making it slightly harder for the puny contestants to stay on.
Then there is the glorified MXC event, Hit And Run. Contestants do their best B-Movie action star impressions as they run across a plastic bridge while attempting to not get hit by giant silver tear drops of pain. Until we see someone wailed in the face with 20 pounds of padding, it won't be fun to watch.
The Eliminator: C+
They should have called it the Exhauster. This thing is horribly long and tediously boring. First the contestants must scale a wall, then dive into a pool and swim under some fire (this is one of the most exciting parts as one contestant already split open her face, hitting one of the bars that suspends the fire head first...and I'm sure some contestant will pull up to fast to a face full of flame). Then they must climb up a dreaded cargo net, hold on to a giant spool while it rolls down a ramp (again, borrowed from MXC and injected with steroids), traverse the hand bike then run up the pyramid, down the zip line (still fun to watch after all these years), and then up the treadmill and bust through a wall to the finish line, and yes, its as long and drawn out as I made it sound.
Though it is a better equalizer than the last couple of incarnations, it is lacking in one thing...GLADIATORS!!! Where are the walls that the contestants have to break through only to find a face-full of the AG logo on a tackling pad? There are no 10 second penalties or any penalties at all. It's contestant vs. contestant with no interference from their fiendish foes...and who wants to see that?
Overall: B-
It's watchable. It's entertaining. It's not the original...and that's O.K.
If you like trainwreck TV, and are bummed about no new episodes of anything because of the writers strike, its worth watching. At least you'll get to see some people hit in the face.
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